Pride and the Down Fall of Jim Tzenes.
I began starving myself this morning. Normally I would describe it as fasting, and probably follow that with a quip about how I had unfortunately not reached enlightenment. However, this abstinence is unrelated to any attempts at transcendence, but rather solely concerned with another intangible, pride. Suffice to say, I am broke, and for various reasons my job has failed to pay me for going on 2 months now. Being the amiable person I am, I have mad every attempt to politely obtain my rightful dues, to no avail. In the mean time I have run out of food and cash to buy food with. This is not why I am starving. I am instead starving because I have refused any charity on the matter. Which brings me back to the subject at hand: pride.
When I was younger I was taught, as you no doubt were, by after school programs that pride is the downfall of humanity. The proud characters always get what's coming to them, and by the end of the 30 minute episode they have to surrender their pride and abase themselves. I have no intention of doing so. These shows always portrayed pride in a poor light; never did they show the positive benefits of pride. The kind of pride that makes you get up at 6am for a work out. The kind of pride that makes you bite back insults when no one will listen to you. The kind of pride that picks you up after falling down. Pride, in short, is the great motivator in my life. Without it, I would be unwilling to dedicate myself to my tasks and instead would procrastinate and do a poor job if any. Given all this, it is not hard to see why I so feverishly hold onto my pride.
But too proud to eat? Perhaps that is taking things just a little too far. Lets look into them deeper. I haven't received my just due, but I believe that I have finally found the people necessary so that I might. So in truth this isn't as large a deal as I make it out to be. What's more I don't want to upset the people who making up the bureaucratic staff as my future may rest in their hands, and they can make things worse off for me. And there are other sources who might lend me money, my father, my girlfriend, my roommate, but each has as reason for being rejected. My roommate I am already indebted to. My girlfriend has little of her own. And finally, I am trying to break the few remaining bond that tie me to my father. In short, I am unwilling to accept there help for a verity of reasons.
Where does leave my pride I wonder. As pride is the reason I claim to be starving myself. If we look over my reasons for starving we begin to see that there are certain conveniences in my life to which I desire. To achieve these desires I need to hold off and fast and wait. And slowly as I battle with my hunger I relies that it is not pride which holds me from my meals, but rather desire for other things. Pride, good or evil, is nothing more than a scape-goat on which to hang my hat. In truth, it maybe nothing more than another farce to get myself to do what is necessary to achieve what I want. But isn't that what I said pride did for me in the first place?
taken from letters between Jim Tzenes and an unknown author
I began starving myself this morning. Normally I would describe it as fasting, and probably follow that with a quip about how I had unfortunately not reached enlightenment. However, this abstinence is unrelated to any attempts at transcendence, but rather solely concerned with another intangible, pride. Suffice to say, I am broke, and for various reasons my job has failed to pay me for going on 2 months now. Being the amiable person I am, I have mad every attempt to politely obtain my rightful dues, to no avail. In the mean time I have run out of food and cash to buy food with. This is not why I am starving. I am instead starving because I have refused any charity on the matter. Which brings me back to the subject at hand: pride.
When I was younger I was taught, as you no doubt were, by after school programs that pride is the downfall of humanity. The proud characters always get what's coming to them, and by the end of the 30 minute episode they have to surrender their pride and abase themselves. I have no intention of doing so. These shows always portrayed pride in a poor light; never did they show the positive benefits of pride. The kind of pride that makes you get up at 6am for a work out. The kind of pride that makes you bite back insults when no one will listen to you. The kind of pride that picks you up after falling down. Pride, in short, is the great motivator in my life. Without it, I would be unwilling to dedicate myself to my tasks and instead would procrastinate and do a poor job if any. Given all this, it is not hard to see why I so feverishly hold onto my pride.
But too proud to eat? Perhaps that is taking things just a little too far. Lets look into them deeper. I haven't received my just due, but I believe that I have finally found the people necessary so that I might. So in truth this isn't as large a deal as I make it out to be. What's more I don't want to upset the people who making up the bureaucratic staff as my future may rest in their hands, and they can make things worse off for me. And there are other sources who might lend me money, my father, my girlfriend, my roommate, but each has as reason for being rejected. My roommate I am already indebted to. My girlfriend has little of her own. And finally, I am trying to break the few remaining bond that tie me to my father. In short, I am unwilling to accept there help for a verity of reasons.
Where does leave my pride I wonder. As pride is the reason I claim to be starving myself. If we look over my reasons for starving we begin to see that there are certain conveniences in my life to which I desire. To achieve these desires I need to hold off and fast and wait. And slowly as I battle with my hunger I relies that it is not pride which holds me from my meals, but rather desire for other things. Pride, good or evil, is nothing more than a scape-goat on which to hang my hat. In truth, it maybe nothing more than another farce to get myself to do what is necessary to achieve what I want. But isn't that what I said pride did for me in the first place?
taken from letters between Jim Tzenes and an unknown author
posted by jim at 8/17/2005 05:16:00 PM
1 Comments:
Reader's prosper. I do have a job, which I work at about 8-16 hours a day. However they have recently screwed up the paperwork and hense my not getting paid. Really now, its all explained in the post. And for those of you playing at home, I did indeed recieve the money which I had worked for, and am no longer starving.
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